At age 16 I won a scholarship to study with the Boston Ballet and later became an apprentice with the company. I was not a competitive person however at the cost of my desire for love, community and friendship, so the path proved a destructive one for me.
But I continued on...
Eventually in order to cope with living a life of complete contraction in values I became addicted to drugs and alcohol and all but destroyed myself in the years that followed. It wasn’t until I completely surrendered my life to God that my healing and real self emerged from the ashes, and I moved to a remote area in Maine.
The irony is the house we bought happened to be next door to a dancer with a healthy mind and a beautiful soul and we started a dance company based on love, sharing and community values and so I picked up from there...later I converted to orthodox and today I pray and practice visual art, also an interest of mine, in my rural home “away from the fray” as much as is possible.
I resonate with your point about the lack of elders. I wonder if it is not tied up with the increasingly horizontal associations our generation were corralled into. Gen this that and the other, rather than intergenerationally, tied up in no small regard I am sure with the loss of real work which required human wisdom to learn, i.e. from our elders. Whilst I am appreciative of GIrard's insights, mimetic desire perhaps has a richer, perhaps more spiritually formative aspect within generational heierarchies. To emulate one had to grow 'up'. But now, what do 'elders' have which is thought desirable?
I can relate to your experience a lot Jack, having been a musician throughout my twenties. My realisation about music life was that the ugliness of it originated in the business side of it; competing to get the record deal, the gig or secure a fan base. I've never been able to stop myself from writing a song, whether others like it or not. I suppose it's been a type of therapy and sometimes the divine can be heard in its melodies. My parents really wanted me to be 'successful' in music, but I don't really understand what that concept means anymore.
I think the arsenios option provides space for us to listen to the divine and weed out our own desires to identify the gifts we've been given to bestow upon the Earth. We must however continue to listen in stillness to ensure that we use our gifts as the divine intended.
Thank you for that. That kind of honesty is hard to come by. But I believe there is so much light in music, it cannot be reduced to the dog eat dog world of rock&roll.
And although I am but an amateur songwriter pushing sixty, with zero experience actually making any, I feel music might actually be one of the portals that take us out of the dark age. A clairvoyant woman I met camping a few years back told me, amongst other things, that music was going to heal us.
Only time will tell if she was, at least, partially right. But my faith in the power of music is unshakable for It has kept me afloat, soothed my soul and filled me with joy innumerable times. It is the expression of the eternal, of God, that is the most universal and accessible. Hold on tight through the coming turbulence, it will not last forever.
Hi Jack, this was a really helpful post. Honest and unsparing in your telling of your story to help us look clearly at ourselves. Thanks for putting it out there. I have had a busy household and haven't been on the computer much, but ever since I read your post I've been pondering it.
Loved the quote about "deep down I'm a very shallow person".
Thanks for this Jack, its not easy to shine the light into our darkness, but it is only in recognising the darkness within each and everyone of us that light can be received and aid us to turn and begin to inhabit a better self, but saying that it a daily atunement to inhabit this better self, and more often than not it a case of 1 step forward and 2 steps back, and the only way to move away from the romantic lie of automous desire is to RECEIVE, rather than take, grasp, appropriate are sense of being, our sense of self.
You started your meditation, by looking at the stars, the universe, asking why there is something rather than now, why we are even conscious of it at all, and I think starting at this place opens us up to the sense that all we have is received rather than appropriated, because considering the mystery of Being put the issue of OWNERSHIP Into question, and to me ownership is at the heart of issue of the romantic lie, because we want own our desire, are own sense of self, to be the original, better than are competitors, rather than seeing that our desires are cues from others, that my sense of self is a product of others, that there is nothing new under sun, that we are just interdividual rather than individual, but because we live in a world which is all about human rights, that promotes the individual, and taking ownership of ourselves, why should we expect anything different. But the question of Being reveals the lie of individuality, simply because we are a nothing and our sense of Being is impoverished and something borrowed not owned, something that is given and received, rather appropriated and grasped as are own property, and our self, our personhood is something that is not original but rather a task to be performed, to be received, from the divine, his creation and each other, and our sense of our borrowed, gifted Being should open us to an attitude of wonder and gratitude and thankfulness, and as a gift should be something to be shared with all, which reveals our common humanity, in other words an act of GRACE.
But Jack thank you for your thoughts and for your honesty, because I know there is a lot of darkness in me thats needs to be put under the light.
A further reflection on silence (esp for those who cannot easily find it). My elderly (80+ years) mother-in-law lives alone, and spends most of her days alone or working in her garden, content with her vegetables and bushes. She once told me that, as a mother, she used to get stressed by all the noise and ruckus her kids made, until they were grown up and had moved out. Now she says she misses that “noise”. Ever since this remark, it has placed the stress of my own (often noisy) family life in a new perspective. At times, very strangely, I find myself actually grateful for the noise; and that, in turn—despite the superficial irritation it might cause—can bring on a sense of deeper peace.
My point is not that this contradicts anything you have said, but that silence and stillness can be plumbed in unexpected ways.
Thank you Jack 😊 I agree about music in Ireland, there's still some magic left in the trad sessions that seem to happen organically. My experience happened in the UK, I lived in Liverpool for a good few years, it was very cut throat but looking back I think I managed to listen to the inner voice more often than not...perhaps that's why I wasn't very 'marketable'! I found an old video still floating around on the Internet - https://www.reverbnation.com/artist/video/7499703
It feels like a lifetime ago but the first song still holds true for me!
I pray Compline every night. From time to time, I pray Vespers and Prime using the BrevMeum HD app, (1955 version). The app shows Latin side by side English and I strive to pray in Latin. It’s the offices language of the Church. I discovered that Latin makes you pay attention. It’s harder to zone out when praying in Latin, which I do with English prayers. I studied Latin by myself during the Covid lockdowns.
When are you going to become a monk officially? Tonsure and all that.
There feels like a lot wisdom here Jack. Being conscious of rivalry through your ascetic practice, and your relationship with the Abbot, these sound like the sort of practices and relationships we could all do with. They both sound like a society structured around agape, where your fellowship exist to help you flourish and you cultivate your own agape in silence and then pass the agape forwards. It's recycled throughout the community: to your brethren, to us lot reading. Forgiving fellowships are hard to come by though. Certainly not in the place I work. And, sadly, not in most of the churches I've ever visited. I love Jesus and I want to follow his example, but I can usually only keep up the selfless love for about a week before I get pissed off and seek out a Girardian scapegoat (usually one of my bosses) because the world (and me) are unforgiving of my own transgressions. Besides my family and fiends, this post has helped me realise I don't live within a forgiving fellowship. Can it be cultivated within my secular workplace? Your experiences seem to suggest it can't. I've tried to suggest ways to bring a bit of humanity to the job, but it's usually shot down by the first technocrat the idea reaches in the hierarchy. Do you think I'm wasting my time? Thanks, as always, for providing this space.
Thought provoking. I have always been drawn to the arts: dance, poetry, music. But I shied away from a professional life in them. This was partly my parent’s’ influence, I’m sure. They were very practical, and I grew up to be as well, at least to some extent. Being a starving artist, or one beset by other existential difficulties, never appealed to me. But my dad in particular had a deep spiritual connection to the arts too, although he was never a performer. That mattered too: it gave me a sense of what it meant to be truly moved, to participate with humility.
So I’ve always been an amateur dancer, writer and musician. And I have developed a deep respect for amateur performance. A virtuoso is wonderful to watch, as is an innovative genius. But most of us will never be that, and it shouldn’t stop us from doing and enjoying what we can. Besides, if there is a virtuoso somewhere, they will have a community to appreciate and encourage them. Surely that matters just as much as exceptional talent.
“Flee Ambition, Sit Silently in Silence, and Dwell in Stillness.”
Sometimes I think seeking smallness is helpful as well, not in the self-abnegating sense, but in the sense of being faithful to the littlest tasks that bring no obvious reward.
I have not been able to find much silence this month (which is, for me, the most socially active month of the year). But perhaps another way to find that stillness and smallness is to try and listen more carefully to others, and to understand them (I am speaking of face-to-face relationships here, not internet relationships).
As a Protestant convert to Orthodoxy a little over 9 years ago, I understand (and remember!) the silliness and inappropriateness confession to another can seem to have when you're on the outside looking in. However, being on the other side of that fence and having received such Grace and help from it, I've come to see it as a indispensable gift.
I loved your post this morning, thank you.
I can also relate to it.
At age 16 I won a scholarship to study with the Boston Ballet and later became an apprentice with the company. I was not a competitive person however at the cost of my desire for love, community and friendship, so the path proved a destructive one for me.
But I continued on...
Eventually in order to cope with living a life of complete contraction in values I became addicted to drugs and alcohol and all but destroyed myself in the years that followed. It wasn’t until I completely surrendered my life to God that my healing and real self emerged from the ashes, and I moved to a remote area in Maine.
The irony is the house we bought happened to be next door to a dancer with a healthy mind and a beautiful soul and we started a dance company based on love, sharing and community values and so I picked up from there...later I converted to orthodox and today I pray and practice visual art, also an interest of mine, in my rural home “away from the fray” as much as is possible.
Thank you for this post, Jack. Appreciated
I resonate with your point about the lack of elders. I wonder if it is not tied up with the increasingly horizontal associations our generation were corralled into. Gen this that and the other, rather than intergenerationally, tied up in no small regard I am sure with the loss of real work which required human wisdom to learn, i.e. from our elders. Whilst I am appreciative of GIrard's insights, mimetic desire perhaps has a richer, perhaps more spiritually formative aspect within generational heierarchies. To emulate one had to grow 'up'. But now, what do 'elders' have which is thought desirable?
I can relate to your experience a lot Jack, having been a musician throughout my twenties. My realisation about music life was that the ugliness of it originated in the business side of it; competing to get the record deal, the gig or secure a fan base. I've never been able to stop myself from writing a song, whether others like it or not. I suppose it's been a type of therapy and sometimes the divine can be heard in its melodies. My parents really wanted me to be 'successful' in music, but I don't really understand what that concept means anymore.
I think the arsenios option provides space for us to listen to the divine and weed out our own desires to identify the gifts we've been given to bestow upon the Earth. We must however continue to listen in stillness to ensure that we use our gifts as the divine intended.
Thank you for that. That kind of honesty is hard to come by. But I believe there is so much light in music, it cannot be reduced to the dog eat dog world of rock&roll.
And although I am but an amateur songwriter pushing sixty, with zero experience actually making any, I feel music might actually be one of the portals that take us out of the dark age. A clairvoyant woman I met camping a few years back told me, amongst other things, that music was going to heal us.
Only time will tell if she was, at least, partially right. But my faith in the power of music is unshakable for It has kept me afloat, soothed my soul and filled me with joy innumerable times. It is the expression of the eternal, of God, that is the most universal and accessible. Hold on tight through the coming turbulence, it will not last forever.
Hi Jack, this was a really helpful post. Honest and unsparing in your telling of your story to help us look clearly at ourselves. Thanks for putting it out there. I have had a busy household and haven't been on the computer much, but ever since I read your post I've been pondering it.
Loved the quote about "deep down I'm a very shallow person".
--Clara
Thanks for this Jack, its not easy to shine the light into our darkness, but it is only in recognising the darkness within each and everyone of us that light can be received and aid us to turn and begin to inhabit a better self, but saying that it a daily atunement to inhabit this better self, and more often than not it a case of 1 step forward and 2 steps back, and the only way to move away from the romantic lie of automous desire is to RECEIVE, rather than take, grasp, appropriate are sense of being, our sense of self.
You started your meditation, by looking at the stars, the universe, asking why there is something rather than now, why we are even conscious of it at all, and I think starting at this place opens us up to the sense that all we have is received rather than appropriated, because considering the mystery of Being put the issue of OWNERSHIP Into question, and to me ownership is at the heart of issue of the romantic lie, because we want own our desire, are own sense of self, to be the original, better than are competitors, rather than seeing that our desires are cues from others, that my sense of self is a product of others, that there is nothing new under sun, that we are just interdividual rather than individual, but because we live in a world which is all about human rights, that promotes the individual, and taking ownership of ourselves, why should we expect anything different. But the question of Being reveals the lie of individuality, simply because we are a nothing and our sense of Being is impoverished and something borrowed not owned, something that is given and received, rather appropriated and grasped as are own property, and our self, our personhood is something that is not original but rather a task to be performed, to be received, from the divine, his creation and each other, and our sense of our borrowed, gifted Being should open us to an attitude of wonder and gratitude and thankfulness, and as a gift should be something to be shared with all, which reveals our common humanity, in other words an act of GRACE.
But Jack thank you for your thoughts and for your honesty, because I know there is a lot of darkness in me thats needs to be put under the light.
Your friend
Garreth
A further reflection on silence (esp for those who cannot easily find it). My elderly (80+ years) mother-in-law lives alone, and spends most of her days alone or working in her garden, content with her vegetables and bushes. She once told me that, as a mother, she used to get stressed by all the noise and ruckus her kids made, until they were grown up and had moved out. Now she says she misses that “noise”. Ever since this remark, it has placed the stress of my own (often noisy) family life in a new perspective. At times, very strangely, I find myself actually grateful for the noise; and that, in turn—despite the superficial irritation it might cause—can bring on a sense of deeper peace.
My point is not that this contradicts anything you have said, but that silence and stillness can be plumbed in unexpected ways.
Thank you Jack 😊 I agree about music in Ireland, there's still some magic left in the trad sessions that seem to happen organically. My experience happened in the UK, I lived in Liverpool for a good few years, it was very cut throat but looking back I think I managed to listen to the inner voice more often than not...perhaps that's why I wasn't very 'marketable'! I found an old video still floating around on the Internet - https://www.reverbnation.com/artist/video/7499703
It feels like a lifetime ago but the first song still holds true for me!
Hope you are well Jack 🙏
I pray Compline every night. From time to time, I pray Vespers and Prime using the BrevMeum HD app, (1955 version). The app shows Latin side by side English and I strive to pray in Latin. It’s the offices language of the Church. I discovered that Latin makes you pay attention. It’s harder to zone out when praying in Latin, which I do with English prayers. I studied Latin by myself during the Covid lockdowns.
When are you going to become a monk officially? Tonsure and all that.
There feels like a lot wisdom here Jack. Being conscious of rivalry through your ascetic practice, and your relationship with the Abbot, these sound like the sort of practices and relationships we could all do with. They both sound like a society structured around agape, where your fellowship exist to help you flourish and you cultivate your own agape in silence and then pass the agape forwards. It's recycled throughout the community: to your brethren, to us lot reading. Forgiving fellowships are hard to come by though. Certainly not in the place I work. And, sadly, not in most of the churches I've ever visited. I love Jesus and I want to follow his example, but I can usually only keep up the selfless love for about a week before I get pissed off and seek out a Girardian scapegoat (usually one of my bosses) because the world (and me) are unforgiving of my own transgressions. Besides my family and fiends, this post has helped me realise I don't live within a forgiving fellowship. Can it be cultivated within my secular workplace? Your experiences seem to suggest it can't. I've tried to suggest ways to bring a bit of humanity to the job, but it's usually shot down by the first technocrat the idea reaches in the hierarchy. Do you think I'm wasting my time? Thanks, as always, for providing this space.
Thought provoking. I have always been drawn to the arts: dance, poetry, music. But I shied away from a professional life in them. This was partly my parent’s’ influence, I’m sure. They were very practical, and I grew up to be as well, at least to some extent. Being a starving artist, or one beset by other existential difficulties, never appealed to me. But my dad in particular had a deep spiritual connection to the arts too, although he was never a performer. That mattered too: it gave me a sense of what it meant to be truly moved, to participate with humility.
So I’ve always been an amateur dancer, writer and musician. And I have developed a deep respect for amateur performance. A virtuoso is wonderful to watch, as is an innovative genius. But most of us will never be that, and it shouldn’t stop us from doing and enjoying what we can. Besides, if there is a virtuoso somewhere, they will have a community to appreciate and encourage them. Surely that matters just as much as exceptional talent.
Excellent post, Jack.
“Flee Ambition, Sit Silently in Silence, and Dwell in Stillness.”
Sometimes I think seeking smallness is helpful as well, not in the self-abnegating sense, but in the sense of being faithful to the littlest tasks that bring no obvious reward.
I have not been able to find much silence this month (which is, for me, the most socially active month of the year). But perhaps another way to find that stillness and smallness is to try and listen more carefully to others, and to understand them (I am speaking of face-to-face relationships here, not internet relationships).
As a Protestant convert to Orthodoxy a little over 9 years ago, I understand (and remember!) the silliness and inappropriateness confession to another can seem to have when you're on the outside looking in. However, being on the other side of that fence and having received such Grace and help from it, I've come to see it as a indispensable gift.
Hello Jack
There's so much someone starting out on the path could take from this lovely piece.
I've just re read it and this, for wont of a better musical metaphor, was my 'mike drop' moment:
"I have pursued many things because what I really sought was the esteem of others. This hasn't been easy to admit to myself."
Sounds so simple and obvious now, but I wish I'd read this 30 or more years ago!
Thanks so much for your writings, they are a joy.